Monday, October 23, 2017

That's why he called it "Be Here Now"...

Oh hai.  How are you?  I'm getting through, thanks for asking.

It's been quite a week.  We last "spoke" last Sunday, I was in the throes of a nasty fibro flare-up.  Well there's good news and there's bad news on that front.  The good news is that the very most terrible part only lasted that day.  I took great care of myself and I think that it helped get me through quickly.  The bad news is that it's still going on, albeit milder.

It's been a complicated week on other fronts as well.  For instance, my husband went out of town for work and we obtained a new cat.  Some major changes happened at work.  Life does have a tendency to keep one busy, doesn't it?

The most important aspect of my self care at the moment is deeply challenging: it is living in the body that I have today.  Not the body I had yesterday, not the body that I'm going to have in a few days.  The body I am living in right now.  This is very, very difficult.  And it will not be a surprise to anyone to learn that this lesson comes directly from my yoga practice.

Ironically, yoga is one of the hardest places to apply this work.  This week especially there's been a constant narrative in my head of "but I know I can do Urdhva Dhanurasana!  I just did such a strong one last week!  Look at everyone else - they can all do it!!"  And then I have to remember that what I did last week is immaterial, and what everyone else can do never has any bearing on what I can do, and that now is the only time that actually exists.  And then I come to grips with the fact that I can't even hold a Warrior II for more than ten seconds, and have to get real about what my practice looks like at that moment.  It's freaking hard, and it is such important work for me to do.

Do you struggle with accepting what you can actually do right now versus what you think you should be able to do?

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Hello, truck.

Oh friends.  I've really effin done it this time.

I used to call these my "truck days," as in days when I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.  I still call them that I guess, but today took me off guard because I have them so much less frequently these days.  Truck days come in two primary varieties: a) where the hell did this come from and b) I totally did this to myself.  Y'all?  We're dealing with Type b.

It goes like this.  I had a long and exhausted week of both recovering from a cold and returning to a 40 hour workweek.  Thursday I fell asleep shortly after 9pm.  Friday I fell asleep at 8pm.  I woke up at 7am Saturday still feeling like I needed more rest.

But instead I went to therapy (8am), went to a yoga class (9:30am), crammed in some lunch (11am), cleaned up the bunnies at home (11:30am), went to couples therapy (12pm), drove to Lakeview for air filters (1:15pm), drove downtown to drop the husband off at the barber (1:30pm), ran home, jumped in the shower, and headed out the door again (2:05pm).

I then went to a fairly rigorous and challenging yoga workshop for someone of my skill level.  I worked hard, it was hot, I forgot my water, and I left there thinking "oof."

And then I went home and rested.  JK!  No the hell I did not!  I went directly from the workshop to a party!  And I stayed there until after 10pm!  And ate a metric ton of chips and dip!  And drank beer!  And had a great time!  (And, just by the way I don't regret it in the slightest!  Except maybe the chips.)

I got in bed at 11:30pm (a solid two hours after my normal bedtime for those of you playing along at home), happy as a clam that I could sleep until I woke up the next morning - a thing that basically only happens for me occasionally on Sundays. 

Welp, I sure did sleep until I woke up.  At 4am.  Feeling like I'd been hit by a goddamn truck.  Pow.

At this point you may be thinking, what?  That sounded like a kinda busy but pretty normal day to me...  And you're not wrong.  For a healthy person who does not have Fibromyalgia that day coulda been just fine.  And sometimes for me that day coulda been just fine.  But the combination of coming in to the day exhausted, overexerting myself in the workshop, not drinking enough water, and eating a bunch of carbs did me in.

So, back to 4am.  I woke up, and I knew.  My whole body hurt.  My skin hurt.  I felt feverish without having a fever.  I futilely tried to sleep for a few more hours and gave up around 7am.  And now it's now.

So now that I've gotten myself into this mess, what do I do?  Here's my multi-point plan for helping my body recover today:
  • I will drink at least three liters of water.
  • I will drink tea instead of coffee.
  • I will eat just enough of the most nourishing foods.
  • I will go to yoga and TAKE IT EASY, because moving my body will help it not become unbearably painfully stiff.
  • I will forgive myself for causing this, because honestly all I did was feel healthy enough for a moment to forget that I have to be delicate with myself even when I feel well.
  • I will acknowledge the validity of the anger I feel at not being able to go through a busy but not ridiculous day without having my illness flare up, and then I will try to put that anger down because it does not serve me.
Do you have "truck" days?  How do you get through them?

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Not just a river in Egypt.

Y'all?  I'm sick.  And I am in deep, deep denial of this fact.  I keep thinking I'm better, trying to function and do stuff, and then getting whammied.  It's, well, pretty foolish.

I think I'm confused because I don't actually feel that bad.  It seems like if I'm going to be genuinely ill for several days I'd feel worse than I do.  Is this what it's like to be sick while in better shape physically?  Does it just not feel as bad?  Or is this some wacky virus that makes you sick but not that sick?  I just don't know.

My whole day today got cancelled because of the hurricane that wasn't (for New Orleans at least), and rather than rebuilding it as is my wont I am going to let it ride and try my best to do nothing today.  Perhaps I can get over this thing once and for all.

How do you cope when you're sick?  Do you try to power through when you should rest?

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Slowly Surely

I'm still a bit rough around the edges, but I feel much better than I did yesterday.

Even so, I'm having to be very, very strategic with how and how much I engage with all of the horrible crap going on in the world right now.  Honestly the horrible crap I'm dealing with at work is about as wide as my focus can be currently - and also the not small matter of the fact that almost all of my teenager's bio fam is in Puerto Rico.  And my sick parents.  You get the picture.  The disturbing messes that I have little choice but to deal with have me maxed out.  If I let in more than that - and there are soooo many more - I will blow out entirely.  This balloon can only hold so much.

How's your capacity looking?  Are you being careful about what you let in?  Are you in danger of blowing out?

Monday, October 2, 2017

Self defeating much?

Oh hai.

Yesterday I was in a funk.  I was in such a funk, in fact, that I both spent unnecessary money and ate an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.  And guess what?  Today I feel worse.

Of course I do.  Instead of doing things that pave the road to feeling better, I did things that *always* exacerbate my funkyness.  And because I'm in a funk I am beating myself up for it.  Sigh.

I know what I need to do (and avoid doing) to work my way out of this.  Here's hoping I can stick to it.

What makes your funks worse?  What makes them better?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Miss Behave.

Y'all, I've been misbehaving.  For real, I've been positively wild.  I've been staying up till, like, 10.  10:30 even.  At night.  Yeah.  That's right.  WILD CHILD.

OK but like why though?  I honestly don't know.  9pm comes around and I think, OK, time to wind it down and head to bed.  And then I just... don't.  Even though I'm tired.  Even though it'd feel great.  Even though there would be a positive ripple effect through the next day.  I just don't.  Seriously, what gives?  I'm a bit worried that it means I'm trying to pack too much into my days, and so then need do-nothing time at night that cuts into my sleep.  I'll have to think more about it.

Do y'all stay up later than you know you should, even when you're tired?  Why?

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Progress Report

Hello all.  How's it going?  Still struggling along over here.  Something weird is going on in my back that is causing a fair amount of pain.  My general exhaustion level isn't too bad though.  I've been working with a Durga mantra and a new basalt mala and that seems to be helping me feel strong.  So yay.

Work is going pretty well, yoga practice is going pretty well, yoga teacher training is going pretty well.  Marriage stuff and kiddo stuff are rocky, but I'm doing what I can on both fronts.

How are y'all doing?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Oh hai.

Hello there.  I, uh, sorta took a huge unplanned break from blogging.  Did you notice?  Of course you did.  Right?  Right.

OK then.  So what's been going on?  A lot of self care, actually.  I am... not doing so great physically or mentally.  I'm exhausted and in pain, and trying not to be terrified about how long it will last this time.  So I am hyperfocused on taking the best possible care to get through this downturn with minimal damage.

At some point I will cycle, and I'll feel energized and strong again.  Until then I'll fake it with the best of them.  I have a lifetime of experience at this.  And yeah, in case you're wondering, I am feeling a little sorry for myself.  Sometimes it's necessary.  It will pass like everything else.  The trick, I guess, is remembering that.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Taking care.

Oh friends.  I am tired.  I have had a long week that I'm not quite done with, and as usual my weekend is packed.  So I made the decision to switch my plan of going to a challenging vinyasa class this afternoon to attending a restorative yoga session instead.  It's what my body and my mind need.

Sometimes I get in a space where I feel like I have to push myself as hard as I can every moment of every day.  But folks, that is not sustainable.  For any of us.  Sometimes we must scale back.  Sometimes we must rest. 

Do you rest when you need to?

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I'll pencil you in.

So.  Today I had planned to write a post about how I've finally learned how to schedule my life as it comes, and not get too far ahead of myself.    Yeah.  I was gonna write that post.  Until I realized that I've scheduled my life - or at least my yoga practice - pretty dang specifically through the last week of November.  (There are significant chunks of time planned in December and January as well.)


I'm not sure if this is a problem.  I'm well aware that, planning this far out, there's a high likelihood of things changing.  And I'm totally OK with that.  I'm ready to roll with the punches.  Maybe it's OK to have plans far in advance as long as I can remain flexible in their execution.  Maybe that's ideal, in fact?  Given that I have long term goals that will require weekly action accumulated over months to accomplish (aka yoga teacher training requirements), this feels like a good way to go about it.

What do y'all think?  Do you plan months in advance, take things as they come, or do something in between?